


Send Me Home

by 0xycodone



Category: Caspar Lee - Fandom, Jaspar - Fandom, Joe Sugg - Fandom
Genre: Eventual Smut, Fluff, Lovable Caspar, M/M, Please Don't Hate Me, Slow Build, jaspar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-26
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-29 02:55:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6356086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/0xycodone/pseuds/0xycodone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joe always maintained that Caspar was a mere annoyance in his life. But when the boys are set to move out separately to their own places, Joe is suddenly overwhelmed with feelings he had kept suppressed and well hidden, even from himself. Will he be able to sort out his feelings? How will he deal with living without Caspar? Will he find his way home? Slow build Jaspar fic, inspired by the song Send Me Home by Asking Alexandria. (Also posted on Wattpad.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Send Me Home

A stranger to most, but everyone knows his name.  
The city he wakes up in is never the same, never the same.  
It gets hard to count the days with only stars to lead the way.  
And in his heart of gold he knows this has to change.  
  
So send me home, I have lost my way.  
And I don't even know if we'll make it through today.  
Take another step, take another breath.  
I fill my lungs with deepest regrets.  
And I don't know if I'll make it home again.  
  
It gets a little harder day by day.  
The loneliness is swallowing me.  
I listen to the silence to hear what it might say, hear what it might say.  
Who will pick me up again?  
I need you here, I need a friend.  
We'll get lost on time that's stolen.  
So take my hand and send me home.  
  
So send me home, I have lost my way.  
And I don't even know if we'll make it through today.  
Take another step, take another breath.  
I fill my lungs with deepest regrets.  
And I don't know if I'll make it home again.  
  
Take, take, take all that I've got, got, got.  
All I need is one more moment.  
I just have to end this torment.  
Take, take, take all that I've got.  
We'll get lost on time that's stolen.  
Take my hand and lead me home again.  
Just take my hand.  
  
So send me home, I have lost my way.  
And I don't even know if we'll make it through today.  
Take another step, take another breath.  
I fill my lungs with deepest regrets.  
And I don't know if I'll make it home again.


	2. I

Staring up at the white ceiling through half lidded eyes, Joe wished for nothing more than some sleep. He groaned, rolling over and checking the time on his phone. He flinched at the brightness and sighed deeply when he realized how late it had gotten. It was now 4:30am and Joe had been lying in his bed, tossing and turning, unable to suppress his thoughts. He thought he'd be used to this by now, as this past month had been nothing but sleepless nights. But the frustration was only growing with every moment his brain refused to quiet itself.

He couldn't quite figure out what triggered this sudden bout of insomnia, but if he was ever going to sleep and function like a normal human being, he really needed to figure it out. Joe let out an exasperated sigh and slowly got out of his bed. He grabbed his laptop from his desk; if he was going to be up, he might as well be productive. He crawled back into his bed, pulling his duvet over him and opening up his laptop. At least if he got his editing done now, he might be able to nap during the day instead.

He spent the next four or so hours editing his video for Sunday. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he awoke to the sun shining brightly into his room, and a familiar voice whining, "Joooooe!" He opened his eyes slightly, squinting against the light, only to see his roommate looming over him. Caspar frowned at Joe's lack of response and shook the boy back and forth until Joe finally acknowledged his presence.

"What? What is it!" He grumbled glaring at Caspar.

"Can you get up and make us breakfast?" The blonde asked grinning and batting his eyelashes at the other boy.

"Are you...are you fucking serious, Caspar?" Joe blinked in disbelief. He could feel his blood pressure rising the longer he looked at Caspar. Surely he woke him up for something more important and this was a joke. It was just too early for Joe to commit homicide.

Caspar gave a sheepish smile and shook his head. His smile fell quickly when he realized how angry Joe looked. "I'm starving, Joe! You know I can't cook. Please?" He begged giving his roommate the best pout he could.

Joe rolled his eyes so hard he was momentarily concerned they would actually get stuck. He pulled himself out of his bed begrudgingly, shooting Caspar death glares the entire time. There was no chance of falling back asleep now, and Joe's stomach was grumbling so there was no use in arguing with Caspar any further.

"You wake me up again, you die." Joe warned grimly. Caspar's smile stretched across his face and he wrapped his arms around Joe's waist, leaning into him. "You're the best roommate. Thank you, Joe!" He spoke into the shorter boy's hair, breathing in his scent deeply.

"Would you get off of me, you weirdo!" Joe pushed Caspar off best he could and grimaced. He ignored Caspar's protests as he walked past him and headed upstairs to the kitchen. Sometimes he wondered why nearly two years ago he thought moving in with the South African was such a great idea. Sure, he seemed like a cool guy. They shared the same humor, and Caspar was very down to Earth. But as Joe learned, he was also very messy, very incompetent, and very annoying. But he also learned that Caspar understood Joe better than anyone he had ever met, could make him laugh harder than anyone ever could, and somehow made Joe feel less alone in the world. He liked to believe that's why he kept Caspar around.

Joe grabbed a pan and set it on the oven and began mixing batter for pancakes. Caspar loved pancakes...not that that's why he chose to make them. He just thought maybe it would get Caspar off his back. The blonde leaned against the counter in their kitchen, watching Joe as he poured the batter into the pan.

"So I'm going to look at that flat today. Did you wanna come too? I could use your opinion." Joe swallowed hard, feeling his stomach turn suddenly as he listened to Caspar's words. It felt like there was a weight placed on his chest and he was finding it hard to breathe correctly.

"Joe?" Caspar took note of the sudden change in his roommate's demeanor and his tone was laced with concern.

Joe glanced at the taller boy and just shrugged, suddenly feeling very uncertain about everything. Where did this ill feeling come from? He placed two pancakes on a plate and put it down on the counter in front of Caspar. He plopped himself down on the couch and leaned his head back against the pillows, closing his eyes. He could feel Caspar's eyes on him, probably wondering what in the hell just happened.

"Sorry. I just don't feel too well. I must have caught something. I haven't been sleeping well either." Joe admitted with a frown, avoiding his roommate's worried stare.

"Joe! Why didn't you tell me you haven't been feeling well? You should go to hospital." Sometimes Joe really did appreciate how much Caspar cared about his wellbeing. Don't get him wrong, Joe had an amazing, loving family and the best friends he could ask for. But no one seemed to care like Caspar cared. He was always there when Joe was ill or even remotely unhappy. Even if the blonde was rubbish at taking care of himself, he made an honest attempt at taking care of Joe when he felt the need to. Not that Joe wanted him to, of course.

"I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I dunno. I'm sure it's fine. When uh..." Joe trailed off, his throat tightening around his words. He frowned deeper, what was happening to him?

Caspar abandoned his breakfast and sat down next to the other boy on the couch, eyebrows furrowed worriedly. "When what?" He asked, his blue eyes locking with Joe's.

Joe coughed trying to clear his throat and took a deep breath. "W-when are you..." he averted his eyes, turning away from Caspar and looking down at his hands. "checking out that flat?" Seriously, what was Joe's problem all of a sudden? Who the hell did he catch this from? It felt like there were rocks in his stomach and his heart was sinking under the weight on his chest.

"Oh, the Realtor lady said after noon sometime. So anytime you're ready, buddy." Caspar flashed him a warm smile and nudged him lightly.

Joe gave him a weak smile back and nodded his head. "I'm gonna go have a bath then." He said standing up and going back downstairs. Maybe this would help him feel better. He didn't understand, this was supposed to be a happy day. He was excited about he and Caspar moving out separately. This was a huge step for him, to be living on his own. And more importantly, he wouldn't have to deal with Caspar being obnoxious and messy anymore. Since they spoke about the idea about a month ago, Joe has been looking forward to it.

He grabbed some clean clothes out of his drawers and headed into his bathroom. He was determined not to let any illness stand in his way of getting his own house and Caspar out of his hair. He'd be damned if he didn't go look at the apartment with Caspar today. This is what he wanted more than anything...wasn't it? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww, Joe you're so bitter and cute. I hope you guys liked this! Send me some feedback, pls pls pls!! ❤ This is my first Jaspar fic, so I hope I'm doing them justice.


	3. II

Joe watched with a smirk as Caspar bounced around the spacious apartment, popping in and out of the other rooms, eagerly asking the Realtor questions. He had never seen his roommate grin so widely. The apartment was really nice, and Joe was happy for Caspar. His roommate deserved a nice place to call his own, but something inside of Joe still wasn't sitting right. He continued to write it off as catching a cold, but he couldn't lie, it was a little troubling as the day went on. He had never felt this sort of pain and heaviness in his chest. It almost felt like a constant impending panic attack. But that didn't make any sense, what did Joe have to panic over? Everything was going according to plan.

He must have completely zoned out with his thoughts, because next thing he knew the Realtor had left the room and Caspar was waving his hand in front of Joe's face. "Jooooe? Buddy, I'm a little worried about you." Caspar admitted resting his large hands on Joe's shoulders gingerly.

Joe snapped his gaze up to meet the taller blonde's. He shook his head and shrugged Caspar's hands from him, "I'm fine, it's just lack of sleep. How 'bout this flat though?" He flashed his roommate a smile and waved his arms around, gesturing at the room around them. He didn't need Caspar to worry about him, especially when they were potentially standing in Caspar's new home. 

"It's perfect! I love it so much!" Joe had to admit that it was cute when Caspar went off on these animated rants. He wasn't completely heartless after all. 

He listened intently with a small smile as his roommate went on and on about furniture arrangements. His excitement grew with each word he spoke, until next thing Joe knew, the taller boy had wrapped his long arms around him and picked him up, squeezing him tightly against his chest. 

Joe could feel heat rising to his cheeks and the tips of his ears burning red. His blue eyes widened as he yelled out, "Mate, you're gonna kill me! I can't breathe!" He squirmed in Caspar's arms, his heart leaping into his throat at the sound of Caspar's laugh and the warmth of his breath trailing along Joe's skin. 

"Sorry, I'm just so happy this is all working out." He apologized sheepishly, avoiding Joe's glare as he put him back down. "Do you think we could go for lunch now?" Caspar added patting his stomach lightly. At the mention of food, Joe felt his stomach suddenly grumble loudly. He had totally forgotten to eat before leaving their apartment, he had been so caught up in trying to calm himself down and find the motivation to get dressed. 

"Yeah, I'm blimmin' starving." He agreed and Caspar ran off to find the Realtor to let her know they were leaving, and Joe assumed to speak about renting the flat. 

Fortunately, he didn't take very long to come back. Caspar didn't mess around when it came to food. They decided to get an Uber to the closest Nando's. Joe thought he could really use some Nando's at the moment. When they finally got to the restaurant, Joe sat down across from his roommate and picked up his menu. He spent a few minutes looking over his options, but he couldn't shake the feeling of someone watching him. He furrowed his brows in confusion and lowered his menu to see Caspar staring keenly at him. 

"Caspar? Why are you staring at me?" Joe could feel the blush creep into his cheeks as he watched the other boy's bright blue eyes roam over his face, down to his chest and back to his face. "Caspar!" He prodded slightly louder this time. This seemed to work, Caspar's eyes snapped back up to Joe, locking gazes with him. 

"Sorry," he mumbled looking down at his own menu, "I'm just realizing how much I'm gonna miss you." Caspar's voice sounded so broken that Joe wanted nothing more at that moment than to hug his roommate and reassure him. Instead he nodded and just gave Caspar a sad smile. Joe knew he wasn't very good at showing affection or making people feel better. He just never knew the right things to say. Unlike Caspar who always knew what to say or do to make anyone smile, to make Joe smile. 

"You're probably just excited to get rid of me." Caspar gave a timid laugh and avoided Joe's eyes, never looking up from his menu. Joe couldn't help but feel a surge of guilt at that, the now familiar weight on his chest sinking deeper. When he heard it out loud, it sounded horrible of him to think that. Caspar could be annoying at times, but Joe would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy the time he spent with the other boy. He'd be lying if he said he didn't call Caspar his best mate. 

"It's not like that! Don't say that. We're still gonna see each other all the time." Joe reasoned trying to sound as certain as he could. Caspar smiled softly but his reply was interrupted by their server introducing herself and asking for their orders. 

The rest of their lunch went well. They talked about ideas for upcoming videos, and joked about some of their friends. Joe appreciated the lighthearted conversation, it seemed to be the only thing that had taken away that dreadful feeling in his gut. And he felt better and better with each laugh they shared, the warmth of Caspar's infectious laugh reverberating through him. He enjoyed it so much that when it came time for them to head home in their Uber, he couldn't help but feel a little saddened. 

"D'you wanna watch a movie when we get home?" Joe asked as they climbed into the car. Caspar's smile grew even wider if possible and he nodded enthusiastically. Joe knew if he had just gone back into his room, he'd try to fall asleep and get frustrated over his inability to do so. What better way to distract himself then with a movie, right? 

When they got back to their apartment, they both ran up the stairs to their living room where they both settled on their couch. Caspar a little too close for Joe's comfort, as usual. Joe hadn't even paid attention to what movie Caspar had chosen, he was too busy worrying about the proximity between them. You'd think he'd be used to it by now since Caspar was such an overly affectionate person. But when he got too close to Joe, he was set on edge. It felt likes waves of heat rolling through his body, under his skin when Caspar touched him. He'd never experienced that with someone else. 

They were about an hour and a half into the movie when Caspar's soft snoring caught Joe's attention. The blonde had idly slouched down so far that he was now resting his head on Joe's chest, his lips slightly parted. Joe couldn't help but smile at how cute Caspar was when he slept. He just looked so innocent, like he could do no wrong. Joe smirked at these thoughts, knowing just how false that was. He pushed some hair out of Caspar's eyes gently and watched the other boy's chest rise and fall rhythmically. For the first time in about a month, he could feel sleep start to blur his vision. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the couch, welcoming sleep with open arms. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically just so you can get a feel for their relationship, and Joe's thoughts. It'll pick up from here but I hope you guys are liking it so far! I'm gonna try to keep updating this daily. ❤


	4. III

Joe couldn't possibly tell you when it had become a regular occurrence, but every night that week Caspar would slide into bed with him and cuddle up against the older boy. When Joe questioned him about it, Caspar simply shrugged and explained that he was merely concerned about his friend, and it was the only way he could be sure Joe was getting "the proper amount of sleep." And despite his protests, Caspar spent every night with an arm draped over Joe's waist, his head nuzzled into the crook of the other boy's neck. Joe would have kicked the blonde out of his bed if only his company hadn't seemed to actually make sleeping an easier task. Maybe it was the lull of Caspar's soft snoring and the warmth of his breath trailing over Joe's skin; maybe it was the reassuring presence of another person pressed up against him that stopped his thoughts from consuming him. He wasn't quite sure why or how, but he'd be lying if he said he wasn't grateful for Caspar on those long nights.

  
This night was no different than the others that week, at least Joe thought it wasn't. Caspar had crawled into his bed sometime after 1AM. Joe lay on his back, his eyes fluttering closed while he listened to the younger boy talk enthusiastically about a game of FIFA he had won that afternoon against Oli. It wasn't long before Joe began to drift off, the warmth of sleep flowing through his limbs and his vision fading.

  
Caspar seemed to have other ideas. He leaned forward and slowly ran his tongue over a patch of skin on Joe's neck. The older boys eyes snapped open immediately, the feeling of Caspar's tongue against his skin causing his whole body to shudder. He grimaced and wiped away the hot trail of saliva the other boy had left.

  
"What the bloody hell was that for?" He nearly yelped wiping his hand off on the blonde's shirt. Caspar smiled brightly, giggling at Joe's reaction.

  
"You don't like it?" He asked between laughs, raising his eyebrows inquiringly.

  
"Did you really think I would, you bloody wally! You're meant to make sure I sleep, not wake me up!" Joe shot his roommate a glare and attempted to move away from him, only for Caspar to grab a hold of his hands and use it as leverage to climb on top of Joe and straddle him.

  
"Get the hell off me!" He yelled punctuating each word with a thrust of his hips, trying desperately to get the younger boy to move off him. Joe was strong, but not nearly strong enough to get Caspar's entire body off him. The other boy was still in a state of giggles as he leaned down and licked at his roommate's neck again, this time grazing his teeth lightly over the sensitive skin before moving away.

  
"Stop that, it's rank!" Joe ground out through his clenched teeth, glaring up at the other boy. He groaned at the tingles that shot through his spine, a strange feeling engulfing his insides, and heat rising to his cheeks. He was fairly certain that at this point he resembled a tomato more than himself.

  
Caspar was gasping for breath between hysteric laughing, his blue eyes shining with unshed tears from laughing far too hard at Joe's discomfort. He calmed himself down just long enough to place his lips against Joe's neck and suck lightly, leaving a faint pink mark behind. Joe's eyes widened and he let out an involuntary squeak, which only sent Caspar even further into hysterics. The older boy's cheeks burned an even deeper shade of red as he continued to push his hips up against his roommate, pleading with Caspar to get off him. His stomach had fashioned itself into a knot and his skin felt like it was on fire against Caspar's lips.

  
"I swear Caspar, if you don't get off of me I'm gon--," just as Joe was about to threaten everything Caspar held dear, he was interrupted by the feeling of the younger boy's lips pressed against his softly.

  
Joe's breath caught in his throat, his heart pounding against his chest, and his eyes fluttering closed. It took a moment as his body adjusted to the shock of what was happening, but his brain had shut off long ago and he found himself moving his lips against Caspar's feverishly. His head was spinning as their lips moved together, his hand snaking up around Caspar's neck and pulling him in closer, deepening their kiss. He ran his hand through the unruly blonde hair, tugging lightly at it and smiling against the other boy's lips when he heard Caspar moan softly into his mouth.

  
Joe nearly whined at the loss of contact when Caspar pulled away, sitting up and gazing down at his roommate with swollen lips. Neither of them looked away, blue eyes meeting blue eyes. Joe swallowed thickly, realization suddenly dawning on him. Did Caspar just kiss him? Did he just kiss Caspar back?

  
It seemed like Caspar was having similar thoughts, he frowned deeply and shook his head. "Fuck, I'm so sorry, Joe. I...I don't know what happened. I'm so sorry." He apologized running a hand through his messy hair and quickly getting off the older boy. He hadn't even given Joe a chance to respond before he about ran out of the room, and then out of the apartment Joe learned when he heard the front door slam shut.

  
He hadn't moved a muscle, now staring back up at the ceiling. His thoughts swallowing him whole, his mind racing. Why did Caspar kiss him? Why did he kiss Caspar back? And why did he like it so much, he thought as he glanced down at the apparent bulge in his boxers.

  
"No fucking way..." he muttered, flushing at the realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was honestly my favorite chapter so far to write. I hope you guys are enjoying it too. I plan on this being pretty long, chapter wise. So this just the beginning. Let me know how you guys are feeling about it!


	5. IV

Caspar hadn't returned home the following morning. Joe had spent the rest of the night into the morning sitting on their couch, staring at his phone waiting for a text to reassure him that Caspar was okay. When he never got one, he chalked it up to Caspar just needing some space. And maybe that's what he needed too. He had hours alone to watch the sun rise through the windows of their apartment, mulling over what had just happened between them. He decided the best explanation he could come up with was that they had both been half asleep and compensating for the loneliness that had grown deep inside of them. Neither of them had been with a girl in months after all.

What this explanation couldn't account for, was the explosion of butterflies in Joe's stomach, or the grin that slowly spread across his face when he brushed his fingertips along his lips and remembered the feel of his roommate's. It didn't excuse the heaviness in Joe's chest every time he wondered where Caspar was, or what he was thinking. And it certainly made no sense of why Joe had typed out numerous texts asking the other boy to come home before deleting them all and never sending them.

Hours of glancing from their front door to his phone turned into days, never once hearing from Caspar. He almost began to worry that he'd never see his best friend again. It was nearly three days later when his phone finally lit up with a notification, and Joe's heart leapt into his throat when he saw his roommate's name on the screen.

_be by in bout an hour to pick up some stuff_

Joe frowned deeply reading the simple text over and over, the words never quite sinking in. "To pick up some stuff," what the bloody hell did that even mean? Was Caspar planning to stay elsewhere? He swallowed thickly and hovered his fingers over the keyboard, unsure of how to reply.

_See you then._

He placed his phone down on the couch beside him, all confusion and uncertainty clouding his mind. He knew Caspar wasn't gay, and he definitely knew he wasn't. He knew it would never happen again - he wouldn't let it. So why didn't Caspar want to stay in their flat? What had Joe done for him to not want to be his roommate anymore? It wasn't like Joe had initiated the kiss.

He felt his stomach churn the more he thought about it. Just days ago he couldn't wait to move out on his own and be free of Caspar. Now he was trying to figure out how to prevent his roommate from leaving, even temporarily. The irony was so palpable Joe almost laughed. _Almost_.

It was barely an hour later when he heard the front door creak open, his heart pounding hard in his ears. He took a deep breath when he saw the blonde poke his head in. They locked eyes momentarily before Caspar quickly averted his gaze, glaring at the wooden floor as he shuffled past Joe to the stair case. Joe sighed exasperatedly and rolled his eyes. Was Caspar really just going to act like a child about this?

He weighed his options for a moment as he watched the taller boy jump down the last two steps. He could stay right where he was and just let Caspar go, or he could follow him downstairs and try to confront him. Joe scratched the back of his neck and swallowed the growing lump in his throat. He stood up and headed down the stairs to Caspar's room reluctantly. He knew if he didn't try to talk to him now then he would never be able to stop his incessant thoughts.

Pausing at the doorway hesitantly, he watched Caspar hastily shove his belongings into a bag. Joe could feel his heart sink, still questioning what he had done to warrant this.

"Caspar." He spoke softly, barely above a whisper but loud enough for the blonde to hear and freeze. He slowly turned around, still refusing to look Joe in the eye.

"Caspar, why are you leaving?" It was Joe now who stared down at the floor.

"I'm just staying with Oli for a while." Caspar explained impassively

"But why? I just...you don't have to." Suddenly Joe was wishing he had thought what he wanted to say through more thoroughly. He just felt so unsure of everything since they kissed. Nothing made sense at this point, from him kissing back to Caspar leaving. And now him staying at Oli's? Why stay at Oli's when Caspar had his own home here? None of it made any sense in Joe's head.

"Mate, I know I don't have to but I want to." Caspar shook his head with frustration and Joe frowned at the guilt he felt pooling in his stomach. What had he done? Caspar never actually wanted to stay anywhere without Joe. What changed?

"Casp, I know it was a mistake...I get it." Joe reasoned chancing a glance up at the younger boy. He watched as tears welled up in the blonde's eyes, feeling like someone had punched him directly in the stomach. A wave of panic had set in when he heard Caspar let out a bitter laugh, tears now staining his cheeks.

"You don't get it."

Joe's heart sunk when he heard how broken Caspar's voice was. He reached out and gingerly wiped the tears away from his roommate's eyes. "It was just a simple mistake." He tried to reassure Caspar, but his voice wavered so much that even he wasn't convinced.

"That's the problem, Joe..." Caspar trailed off, tears streaming even more profusely down his flushed cheeks. He moved forward and tilted his head down slightly, finally meeting Joe's gaze before pressing his lips firmly against the older boys. He brought his hand up to Joe's cheek, caressing it with his thumb when he felt Joe lightly suck on his bottom lip. Caspar quickly pulled away and shook his head dejectedly, "it wasn't a mistake for me. I'd do it over and over again." He whispered running his thumb faintly over the other boy's lips.

He gave a dismal laugh and quickly moved away when Joe said nothing back. "Just leave me alone, Joe." He said grabbing the bag he had packed his things into from his bed. He pushed past the older boy and for the second time that week, Joe heard the front door slam and was left there in utter shock. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I had hoped to go up but I got hella sick, so I'm sorry! I hope you guys are liking where this is going. Jaspar kisses have seriously become my favorite things to write. I actually finished this chapter without one and then rewrote the entire ending so I could add one in hahaha. Thank you all for the comments and kudos. You guys are amazing. <3 <3


	6. V

To say Joe was confused was an extreme understatement. He found himself sitting back on the couch, staring absently at the blank screen of the television in front of him. He had spent nearly an hour and a half since Caspar left, just replaying everything over in his mind. He felt like that was all he really could do anymore. He never knew what to say to make things better like he used to; he didn't even know how he felt at this point. Obviously he wasn't gay, that wasn't even a question in his mind. He had always fancied girls, and just cause his relationships never worked out or he lost interest easily, well that had nothing to do with it. Right?

Joe chewed on his bottom lip anxiously. It wasn't that he was homophobic, far from it actually. He had plenty of gay friends and he loved them just as much as his straight ones, or anyone else regardless of sexual orientation for that matter. It was just that he couldn't be gay. He wasn't gay. Surely Joe would have known years ago if he was. He'd never kissed a guy before Caspar. Never even considered it until he met Caspar. Maybe he only kissed him back because he would feel too bad rejecting his best mate. Yeah, that seemed far more plausible in Joe's head.

He exhaled deeply and ran a hand through his disheveled hair. The apartment was so quiet without the younger boy around. He always thought he'd enjoy the silence, absent of the blonde's boisterous laugh or his incessant calls for Joe to help him find his belongings. But it just felt vacant, not enjoyable. It felt like loneliness. 

Joe stood up and idly headed back down the stairs, dragging his feet against the wooden floor to Caspar's room. He laid down in his roommate's bed, relaxing against mattress with a sigh as he felt the tension melt out of his muscles. He'd never lived completely on his own. He never realized how truly lonely it could be, and it had only been a few days at this point. He remembered how difficult it had been for him when Zoe moved out of their family's home. Joe was heartbroken, Zoe was his best friend. She knew him better than anyone, even if he'd never admit it to her face. She'd always gone out of her way to take care of Joe in ways he didn't even know he needed. Like forcing him to start a skin care regimen so his spots would clear up. And of course, Zoe was always right.

She was even right when she insisted Joe meet Caspar, because she knew they'd be best mates. She was ecstatic when Joe told her they had decided to move in together in London. She told him she worried about him being on his own, and she knew Caspar was good for him. Joe had no idea what she meant then, he only laughed it off and told her he didn't need a babysitter. Especially not a younger South African one, who had hair the color of sunshine rays and eyes like the ocean.

Zoe was right about that too. Casp had been good for Joe. He had gotten him to open up more in the last two years living together, than anyone ever could, including his sister. He understood Joe's unusual sense of humor when everyone else just thought he was strange. Caspar brought home Joe's favorite foods when he was upset, or made him coffees when he was extra tired. He even edited Joe's videos when he was too overwhelmed to think straight.

Joe rolled onto his side, burying his face in the pillow next to him. He couldn't keep thinking like this. This was supposed to be what he wanted. He wanted the freedom; he wanted to be on his own. And if Caspar had some kind of feelings for Joe, then being apart from each other was probably best anyway. He couldn't bring himself to reject his best mate, he just didn't have it in him. The image of tears welling up in bright blue eyes and flushed cheeks coming back to haunt him.

Rolling his eyes bitterly, he pulled his phone out his pocket and reluctantly found Zoe's number. He hated asking for help more than almost anything, but if there was anyone who could fix this, it was his sister. 

"Broseph!" She exclaimed picking up the phone after two rings. Joe couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. No matter how badly he messed up, he could always count on Zoe to be excited to speak to him. 

He opened his mouth to reply but found that the heaviness in his chest was causing his throat to tighten. 

"Joe? You alright?" 

"Sorry. I just...I need to talk to you." He answered, grimacing at the way his voice wavered insecurely. 

"What's going on?" The concern was evident in Zoe's voice. Joe frowned deeply, he hated worrying his sister but he genuinely didn't know who else to talk to.

"It's about Caspar." He admitted, squeezing his eyes shut tightly. 

"Is he alright? Where is he?" He should have known there would be a million questions.

"He's round Oli's. We got in a bit of an arguement...kind of." How exactly was he meant to explain this? He hadn't though this call through, clearly. Was he just going to tell his sister that he kissed another guy...twice?!

"What have you done, Joseph?" Zoe asked sternly.

"Well thanks for just assuming! I don't really..." He trailed off, letting out a frustrated groan. 

"You don't what? C'mon, spit it out then." 

Joe swallowed hard and cleared his throat. "Well uh...Caspar and I were just messing about the other night and things got a little...out of hand and he um, he kissed me." He heard complete silence on the other line, his heart pounding so hard he thought it was about to break his ribcage.

After a moment he heard Zoe sigh, "Did you kiss him back then?"

Breath catching in his throat, Joe nearly choked on his own spit. Why would she assume that? "I...did." 

"Surely something else happened, otherwise Casp wouldn't be round Oli's. Tell me everything, Joe." She insisted.

It was now or never, Joe decided. He had to get these thoughts out of his head, and Zoe was the only one he could trust not to judge him. 

"I don't even know...I don't even know how the bloody hell it happened, Zo. We kissed for a while, then he just started apologizing and left before I could even ask what happened or what he was on about. I hadn't heard from him for days after that till he texted me today. He came round and packed up all his stuff...he wouldn't even talk to me, Zoe! He wouldn't look at me." Joe's voice cracked as tears slipped down his burning cheeks. 

"I tried to ask him what was going on, I told him I knew it was just a mistake. He got really angry with me and kissed me again. I kissed back...but only because I can't reject Casp. He's quite sensitive, you know? I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But...but I guess I did anyway because he basically confessed to fancying me and then left our flat." He continued trying to choke back his tears. Why was he crying? Was it just the overwhelming confusion and irritation getting to him? Did he miss Caspar that much?

Once again the other line was filled with silence, the only sound Joe could hear was his heart pounding in his ears. He raised a shaky hand to his face, wiping away the tears that continued to mark his skin.

"Joe, you can't tell me you only kissed Caspar out of guilt." 

"WelI why the blimmin' hell else would I, Zoe?" He sputtered, eyes going wide. That was not the reply he was expecting.

"Have you not considered that you may share his feelings? I know you're not very good with things like this, but Joseph, isn't it a little obvious?" It took everything at that moment for Joe not to just let out a heart wrenching sob and curl up into a ball. Why was she saying this? She was meant to make everything easier, but she was only filling his head with more doubt. Joe wasn't gay. He didn't have feelings for Caspar. He just didn't.

"No, it's not fucking obvious! I'm not gay, Zoe!" He yelled feeling heat rise from his cheeks to the tip of his ears, a surge of anger coursing through him.

"You're just a dickhead." She mumbled before the line went silent again and Joe heard an almost inaudible click. 

Now he'd done it. Not only could Caspar not stand to be under the same roof as Joe, but his own sister couldn't even stand to speak to him over the phone. He rubbed at his eyes with frustration, groaning loudly. He wished more than anything that he could just go back to the way things were, before any of this had ever happened.

Joe learned that night that he would trade almost anything to fall asleep next to Caspar again. Instead he cried till he fell into an exhausted slumber in Caspar's bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo sorry this took so long to get up, I suck. Thank you guys for all the kudos and comments, you're all amazing. This chapter is basically just Joe's thoughts again and how he's feeling. I hope you guys liked it anyway.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first Jaspar fic ever, but I love them too much to not write one. So here goes. This is the song that inspired the story for me. It's called "Send Me Home" by Asking Alexandria. I think it gives a good idea of what direction and tone the story will go in, and Joe's mindset throughout it. I hope you guys like it! Send me your feedback and ideas. ❤


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